Hi Leon. First, God bless you and I am sorry that you suffered for so long. If I may ask, do you meditate? If not, I would highly recommend as almost all meditation is based on one of the four noble truths of Buddha which is that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. We will all encounter pain. Period.

Ah, but do we have to suffer? Of course there are moments when we lose a loved one and that suffering is a manifestation of love. But whether it’s the loss of a loved one or tragedies you encountered, we don’t want to try and avoid the thoughts that pop into our mind because what we resist, persists. And while we can’t control what enters our mind, we can observe and dismiss as an objective observer! There’s an amazing poem by a 14th century Sufi mystic named Rumi called “The Guest House.” I’ll post the link at the end of my comment but what Rumi is saying is to invite the intrusive thought into your mind (now don’t feed it an eight course meal:)) but acknowledge it, say hello and send it on its way! Wishing you the very best and Peace BU.

Here’s the link: https://allpoetry.com/poem/8534703-The-Guest-House-by-Mewlana-Jalaluddin-Rumi